POUR ME OUT. even if that means burnout.

April 14,2022

Some days I wake up and I truly am not sure what my purpose is here on the race. The same routine and sometimes I wake up feeling like there is not enough time for all I need to communicate and get done. Most days I go to bed completely exhausted, dirty and emotionally heavy. I feel discouraged because the stories I want to share sometimes can’t be put into words yet. The cultural differences sometimes show up more than others and the miscommunication just seems to come out of nowhere. There are days where I fall into the trap of feeling like “I’m not enough” or “nothing that I do matters.” I have been so convicted of the fact that from an outside perspective of missions and the life on the Race has become so glorified and loathed over. I have found myself getting anxious over the fact that if i don’t portray it with all of its glories and share all the stories, that the reason I came won’t be enough and the expectations of those that are watching will truly be let down…

A long past due update, I guess that’s been a typical routine the past couple months. 

Quito, Ecuador. The last leg of the trip. Two months here in Quito, two months left with the squad and still the mission goes on.

We arrived to the base here in Quito on March 24th after a long travel of 27 hours on planes and 48 straight hours of travel. We hit ground in four countries; Starting in Johannesburg to Istanbul, Turkey to Columbia to Panama City, Panama to Ecuador. We took our first weekend to acclimate from jet lag and to get our lungs back in shape. Going from sea level to 10,000 ft in elevation gain really does a number. 

This past month has been a wild one. From the last update, until now it has been a whirl wind to say the least. There have been lots of decisions made as leaders, as well as decisions that we have had to make as a squad. There has been the process of grief in unexpected situations and then having to hold the disappointment of plans changing and lost expectations. It’s been pressing and extremely challenging to learn what it looks like to lead in a time of so much unknown. The challenge of not knowing what to do when part of the responsibility of having hard conversations, giving unexpected news and giving perspective, sits on your shoulders. 

The week that Clayton, Hannah and I got back from our leader sabbath we got news that things with our route were changing and there was a possibility that our squad was going to be split up into two different countries. We had a call with our mentor and she told the squad about a choice they had to make. Adventures in Missions had decided that with everything that was going on in Ukraine with the war they were going to give everyone the choice of either going to Romania or Ecuador for the last two months of the race…they had 24 hours to decide. Honestly, through that whole process I felt so vulnerable, it felt like I had no choice in the matter. It was all dependent on how the squad chose, and no matter what, the three of us were going to be split. The next night we came together and stood on two sides to just see how people chose. We grieved and celebrated the yes that was said by everyone. We prayed over each other and just blessed each of our yes’ to GO. NO MATTER WHAT THAT MEANT. Within the next couple days Hannah, Clayton and I woke up to a message saying that everything with Romania was too unknown and that everyone was being rerouted to Ecuador. SOME MORE unexpected news. I think there was a lot of grief in the changing of plans, a lot of letting go, a lot of disappointments and a whole lot of trust in the Lords plan. As the three of us leaders talked and prayed about how to address the changes, the story about Abraham and Isaac came to mind. We were just reminded of how sometimes the Lord asks us to make decisions simply out of faith to test our YES to him. I want to just put the story on here, because its just a powerful yes of surrender to the Lord. 

“Some time later God tested Abraham. He said to him, “Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.” Early the next morning Abraham got up and loaded his donkey. He took with him two of his servants and his son Isaac. When he had cut enough wood for the burnt offering, he set out for the place God had told him about. On the third day Abraham looked up and saw the place in the distance. He said to his servants, “Stay here with the donkey while I and the boy go over there. We will worship and then we will come back to you.” Abraham took the wood for the burnt offering and placed it on his son Isaac, and he himself carried the fire and the knife. As the two of them went on together, Isaac spoke up and said to his father Abraham, “Father?” “Yes, my son?” Abraham replied. “The fire and wood are here,” Isaac said, “but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?” Abraham answered, “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.” And the two of them went on together. When they reached the place God had told him about, Abraham built an altar there and arranged the wood on it. He bound his son Isaac and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son. But the angel of the Lord called out to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!” “Here I am,” he replied. “Do not lay a hand on the boy,” he said. “Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son.” Abraham looked up and there in a thicket he saw a ram caught by its horns. He went over and took the ram and sacrificed it as a burnt offering instead of his son. So Abraham called that place The Lord Will Provide. And to this day it is said, “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.”” (Genesis 22:1-14)

The Lord is reminding me of this story as I am writing this update to you. This has been a story that the Lord has spoken through so much in the past few days as I am processing all the transitions, all the yes’ and all the changing of plans. I have just been so convicted in the fact that often times I have such a hard time saying yes to the Lord with my future. I believe some yes’ are meant to be said to pour ourselves out on the alter, that we may see the Lord show up and use us. It’s our obedience that gets to be the greatest gift and “On the mountain of the Lord it will be provided.” He will provide every step, he will provide the seasons of preparation, and he will prepare the ground before us. Leading throughout these past 7 months has been humbling to say the least. My fear, comfort, and desires have been pressed and refined. My confidence has grown in saying yes to things that look hard and scary. I have grieved the loss of things, that in saying yes to this season I have had to give up and surrender. I’ve had to continue to give my yes in my own burnout  and allow the Lord to fill me up with more of him in my emptiness. 

Coming into this last season, the disappointment of going somewhere not expected and finding out that leaders and teams would still be separated has definitely been something that I’ve had to wrestle through. It has been hard to be away from the support from my co-leaders in this season and my dependence on the Lord has been challenged in so many ways. The Home sickness has been REAL and it feels easy to just choose to coast through the last 50 days. Some days all I want to do is quit. In all of this, I have to remind myself that the enemy does not get a seat at my table. He will do anything to try to tell you that your purpose here is pointless and “fully showing up today won’t actually change anything.” We can’t give him any time. I have to remind myself that my “yes” to this season was out of obedience to the Father and if that isn’t enough, then I am going to go home and close out this season with unfulfilled expectations because what I have to give cannot be measured by the world’s standards. Praise God that the purpose stands still as we move from one season to another. We are rooted in the fact that our purpose on this earth is to love, “You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:37-39)

Here I am living this life that truly sometimes does not have answers to the standards of success,  BUT man it’s all for his glory! If that is how I live out my life, at the end of the day the anxieties of falling short of the expectations can fall flat. May we not fall into the trap that something else has to fulfill us. He is our daily bread and may burnout be a gift that allows us to see the ways our own strength can’t sustain.

POUR ME OUT. even if that means burnout. JESUS YOU GOT ME. 

I have now been living at 11,000ft elevation in the heights of the Ecuador mountains, working with a non-profit ministry called Dunamis, for the past two weeks. There are 11 of us girls up here getting the opportunity to work with girls that have been victims of sex trafficking or sexual abuse. I can’t wait to keep telling stories of what the Lord is doing through this ministry. So many testimonies and stories to come. 

Thank you all for the prayers and support! 

Anna